(Picture from Tumblr not sure about original)
This may be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I feel like I’m betraying my family who have encouraged and supported me through everything thus far. Worst of all I feel like I’m betraying my younger self; you know, the one who played in the dirt studying insects while everyone else was practising cartwheels and headstands, the one who told everyone she met she wanted to be a naturist (read: naturalist ha) at the age of 10, the one who geeked out in every biology class at school, and the one who wouldn’t have survived university were it not for her drive to be a geneticist. Now I am that geneticist, working in a lab, studying part time towards a PhD in epigenetics, in a world-class university with an awesome and supportive boss. Sad thing is, somewhere along the way, sometime over the last nine months, I just stopped. I stopped enjoying what I do for my job, stopped liking my work environment, stopped caring about what I was doing.
This breaks my heart, BREAKS MY HEART, to admit. I never wanted to be anything else, but now that I have it all I’m not happy. Is that a flaw in my character that I can never be satisfied, or just science not living up to expectations? Or is it just that I have changed as a person – now more interested in other pursuits? I hate the competitive atmosphere in academia these days, hate every person I know who works on animals without the slightest bit of remorse, hate how you are automatically expected to work weekends and evenings by a lot of PIs (luckily in that respect my current line manager is completely the opposite, but this project won’t last forever..). Somewhere along the way I lost all my passion for what I do, and I hate myself for that.
I would be lost, so lost, were it not for yoga. I remember a few years back now, when I was an anxious wreck, telling Mike that I couldn’t possibly do yoga, that it was too slow, would make me panic being away from all my distractions like the internet, that I couldn’t stop to do something like that. But then I gave it a go, and my whole life changed. Don’t get me wrong, I have dabbled in the yoga world a few times over the last 8 years or so – took yogalates and bodybalance classes at gyms and at Uni, but it wasn’t the right time for me to really connect with it – I was on too much of a self-destructive path back then, and I didn’t want to be saved. Fast forward to the last year or so and it has all changed. Yoga is my life line – if I feel sad or depressed I get out my mat and yoga soothes me. Now I’m the one learning headstands and more, and I have never felt so at peace or as comfortable in my own skin. Yeah that makes me cringe too, but it has to be said because that’s how I feel.
At first it was taking online classes on YogaDownload which I can’t recommend enough for beginners or experienced yogis – it has everything, and is especially amazing if you don’t have time to go to an ‘actual’ class or, like me, you lived too far away from any. And more recently I have been going to an amazing studio in Edinburgh (Meadowlark if you’re a local) which has only reaffirmed my goal – to work towards becoming a yoga instructor. I know it won’t be easy. I know it won’t be quick either – I have so far to go before I will even apply for teacher training. I first realised this is the direction I wanted my life to go about a year ago, and now for the next 2 years I’m going to work my socks off to get there. I will carry on working in science, at least for now, but this secret goal of mine is the thing that gets me out of bed every morning and gets me through my working day. This has been a hard post to write, but I have to say it somewhere.
